Ugh.... CPA meeting today and....

He was late to begin with so I was getting uptight! He was 2.5 hours late! And I still can't get my son back! OMFG! Can't stop crying! They are saying it will take 2-3 months before they decide if I get my son back at all! And while they are investigating he can't stay with me! What did I do to deserve this!! My son is my life!

I dont think I ever had a year this bad. First the break up and now my son! What did I do to anyone to deserve this much pain!

CPS- My son is gone....

Wow, alot has happened since I last posted here. Debbie and I are no longer friends, probably for the best. Especially after she caused me to lose my son...

I guess my son had joking said something to one of his little friends. His friend took it seriously and told his mother. His mother runs up to the school and tells the counselor. The counselor calls CPS and they come out and talk to my son at school. Then I get a call they want to have a meeting with me. I'm nervous don't know wtf is going on and ask Debbie to be there. Biggest mistake ever! She gives CPS doubt that I would hurt my son! I would never hurt my son! Sad thing is she doesn't know me!! So CPS tells me I can't take my son back! So my son is at my mothers house calling me everyday wanting to come home! I start crying and tell him I can't do anything to bring you home right now and start crying with him! The mother of that kid had the nerves to come to my house! I didnt give her time to talk I told her off and slammed the door in her face! I am in shock, in disbelieve, that Debbie gave them doubts that I was not a good mother and that I could hurt him. This is the person I once loved, the person I would have done anything for. The person I would have died for! And she causes me to lose the only thing I have, that keeps me going! My son!

They took him based that I am Bi-polar and suicidal!!! I'm not suicidal!! My mother didn't help matters at all she calls Debbie a bitch for what she did but then turns around and tells the caseworker that I'm suicidal!!! wtf is wrong with these people!!

If I were suicidal something like this would have pushed me over the edge and I would have killed myself! but no! I get up every morning I go to work! I clean the house! I try to get my son back! Does someone who is suicidal do those things!! NO!

I look back and wonder how could I let this happen. How could I have loved someone like that? And sad thing is I still love her! =(

CPS is coming tomorrow for another meeting this time a different person. On the phone he didn't sound very nice. =(
Why do they act so hateful? All I know I'm going to be extra nice and extra calm. I want my son home. My son is my life.

I decided I'm going to remain single until my son is older and has his own life. Yeah, I'm going to be old by then but I don't care. I'm never letting anything come between me and my son again! I'm never letting go of my son again!

I think this year has to be my worst year ever. And it's crazy how my feelings for my ex bounces from hate back to love again!! Gah, I must be insane.

Alot of stuff has happened...

Went camping and surprisingly my son wasn't scared of the waterfalls. I couldn't keep him out of the water. For someone who doesn't know how to swim his not afraid and that kind-a scares me. We had a great time, I wasn't too thrilled about sleeping in the tent. And the nights there was cold and I wasn't prepared for that. And my son got a cold from it.
Seems my ex and I are talking again. It's easier for me now I guess cause I'm not really hurting anymore. Yes, I still love her but I guess I accepted the break up. I tell her I'm over her but I'm really not and I think I will always love her.

She asked me yesterday if I was seeing anyone yet. I should have said yes? But instead I said no it's going to take me 11 years just to re-coop from you - LOL
Anyway, I don't think I'm going to look for anyone until next year. Then I can decided if I really want someone else in my life.

Been having a hard time sleeping lately - I don't know why. I think I'm getting like 2 hours sleep each night.

Anger today...

My ex texted me today asking if I would be mad if she joined my guild in the game we played! I was anger she even asked me! Like hasn't she ruined enough for me already! And not waiting to be in my real life at all! Why the fuck would she want to join my guild! Not to mention telling me how she used me for months before breaking up! Who in their right mind would tell someone that! I totally think she's emotionally stupid.

I hope to never ever hear from her again! It's no great loss to me that's for sure.

Me and my son are going to get away from the city this weekend. Leaving Friday after I get off work. Going to see if I can get off at 4pm so that way I don't get there too late. Going to take tons of pictures as this is our 1st outing alone with my son. My sister will be there but she has a cabin me and my son will be sleeping in a tent.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. To check my toxic level on the medicine I'm taking. I'm having a hard time finding a psychologist that will take me to get my medicine refilled and adjusted. I so need to get them boosted up.

Tired...

I still think alot about my ex.

Her myspace comment says: im so fuckin screwed...

She totally is financially screwed. And it's totally her own fault. I told her what she needed to do but she's too busy playing online to take care of her situation. And all that money spent on buying fake clothe on a game. Is totally insane.

For someone who says they use to love me, and still has me blocked on their msn. I think she's full of shit sometimes.

I'm not ever going to contact her or see her. I think I'm totally done with her. Let her new girlfriend babysit her from now on...

I'm so tired... Going to bed early today.

The start...

I been through alot this past year. I think 2007-2009 is probably my worst year ever. And when I think things are looking brighter, something else comes up.

I'm a single mother to a great but messy 11 year old son. I'm also Bi-polar and a lesbian at that. Couldn't make my life easier could I? I'm also an addict to online gaming. And where everything basically starts.

I met someone. Really sweet, and she seemed like she really deeply loved me. I guess around Nov. 07. I flew down in Feb. 08 to meet her. And I felt the same about her as I did in the game maybe much more. I became obsessed, but I think she helped in that department as she called me constantly, but she says it was I.

She moved in with me on June 08 biggest mistake ever. She should have gotten her own place but that was my mistake.

Anyways, it ended up badly in March 09, she didn't want to lose me completely so I tried to be her friend. It was hard for me as my feelings for her were still very strong. And then it became even harder when she told me she loved someone else now. I think she enjoyed hurting me honestly.

Our last chat was a few days ago, and yeah I was off my bi-polar medicine so things for her wasn't easy being with me. But she also didn't help matters as far as helping keep the house clean, talking to guys at 2am in the morning, etc. Valentines day I got her a one of a kind bracelet and she got me nothing. So yeah she wasn't exactly a great partner. But I was still totally in love with her until she told me.

That she did all that stuff to make me dump her because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I now feel used. All the money and time and emotions I put into our relationship was actually for nothing. I now feel like she played with my heart totally for months. I don't know how to feel about this. Used, played with....

But that pretty much did it for me. I no longer am in love with this person. I don't hate her. I don't anything her at all. My feelings for her are completely blank. If she never calls me again it wouldn't hurt me not at this point. As far as I see it. It's more of a greater lose to her then to me.

Even as friends I was still trying to do alot for her. Not anymore. I feel she's just keeping me hanging to see what else she can get out of me like those last few months she said she played me to get me to dump her.

I was so upset about this break up that I ended up taking 75 sleeping pills. She totally was not worth that.

I still play the games she plays and her new wanna be a guy girlfriend plays. I made new character so she doesn't know who I am in the game. She totally doesn't faze me anymore. But I still don't want her to know who I am.

She should have been honest in our relationship. I wouldn't have wasted all the money in trying to give her a great Christmas, or trying to find that perfect Valentine's present. =/

What comes around goes around.

So anyways, that's my recent going ons. I hope for the best for her. Now to get my life back in order....